Is Everything Irrelevant Or Am I A Sour Old Codger?

Over the years, I have amassed approximately a dozen magazine subscriptions. Recently (3 years-ish), I have experienced a not so subtle shift in my relationship with these publications.  You’ll have to let me know if I’m losing it.

Vogue: Get out of my mail box! I love art and think fashion is art, but the spreads are so redundant and boring.

Harper’s Bazaar: Really? If I don’t want to see Vogue copy Vogue, why would I want to watch you copy Vogue?

Good Housekeeping/Redbook/Woman’s Day/Ladies Home Journal/Better Homes & Gardens: Cram the best content from these 5 together and it wouldn’t make one issue.

Child: Learn to read, THEN you get to have a magazine.

Parents: There’s a product for that? A carefully oiled machine built for the purpose of selling product through guilt. What sort of mommy are you if you don’t buy a $30 high chair mat?  Ditto “Parenting.”

Oprah: The Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda and Why Haven’t You of publications. Personal favorite: Oprah’s Favorite Things and similar articles, such as, “Summer Steals For Under $500!”  Oprah has officially become The Man.

Real Simple: I could devote an entire post to this rag. Need an article on how to “repurpose” a milk jug? Bingo. Did you know that a baggie, a sack of pinto beans, colored felt, toothpicks, bread twist ties and chenille strips can be refashioned into a pin cushion that: A) can be purchased for $1.49 and B) houses a product you never use anyway? Additionally, this magazine has poor etiquette advice that will get you into big trouble.  Just ask me. Really. Ask me.

Bon Apetit: I get it, you’re awesome. I aspire to deserve you. Ditto “W”, “Forbes” and “The Economist.”

Time: You used to be so great, but now you’ve dumbed it down for a mainstream, pop culture audience, (which I actually appreciated for a moment).  Too many Stewie references.

Cooking Light: A truly fine magazine, but I have to break up after our 10 year courtship. You’ve become redundant, but hey, there’s only so many ingredients, right?  I’d recommend this to any cook.

Rachael Ray: I thought not having to listen to her voice would satisfy my requirements for this magazine. She’s so raspy and fast, I always think she’s thisclose to an aneurysm. I don’t like the dog recipes. (See “Child” magazine comment above).

Self/Shape: I’m guilty enough, thanks.

Cosmopolitan/Lucky: If I don’t know how to perform oral sex yet, I guess I’ll never learn. 😦

The entire Martha Stewart family of publications: I’ve had plenty, thank you. I guess I’ll never make that 800 fresh cranberry wreath that has to be soaked, dismantled, rewired and sobbed over weekly. Sigh.

Allure: I’m STILL not even sure what this one’s about.

Food Network: This is a sort of guilty pleasure. I don’t care for Guy Fieri or his twin sister, Anne Burrell. I think Paula Deen is, hell, I don’t know what I think she is, but I don’t like it. Too many products and shows for sale, peppered (like how I did that?) with a handful of good recipes each month.

Star: I inherited this filthy trash from my mother, who was careful to never let me know that she had pre-paid a FIVE year subscription. (!!!!) I’ve been receiving these since her death and it’s a little fun, a lot like she used to surreptitiously slide me a folded over “National Enquirer” like it was the filthiest porn imaginable. We both pored over these nasty treats like it was criminal. So, out of reverence to her (side eye), I’ve read each one. The first year I spent about 45 minutes on each issue, and now I’ve gotten it down to a scientific 6.  I’ve finally gotten the notice it’s expiring. I’m ok with that.

So, all of these magazines are going out of my life.  Less paper, less clutter, less trash, more books. 🙂